That wonderful day seems so long ago now. Has it really been 7 years? The warmth of the sun and being close to my friends is just a memory, no more visceral than the trip we took together on that long summer day.
Today I am drifting through, like most of the days now. I have no real aim or goal, other than to try and get though the day without causing the smallest gust of wind to blow around my feet as I walk.
It’s late summer, but the world is still a verdant green, even here in the city. Every tree and patch of grass is lush with life. In the warm sun I cross the road, taking my time between the traffic, human or otherwise. I feel so low, so disjointed from the skin and bone that encase me.
The curse of my life is the fear, rising and falling repeatedly.
Each step I take towards the small newsagent is another memory played back, in crystal clarity. I’ve gone through the worst of the panic and fear. The waves of paranoia and anxiety that would cripple me before are calm, slowly rolling through my thoughts and then away again, bringing another memory of my life, another weird dream while I try to operate in this world.
I’m looking over the shelves of the shop, deciding what to get, chocolate, crisps, a drink, a paper. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters any more.
Did I leave too much dust in the ether, did I give too much of myself to the world beyond this world? Or did I take too much? Did I take it all for me, did I steal, did I hurt, was it me who broke my mind?
I’m walking back across the road to my flat, watching the traffic, watching the people. I still see it all up close and from afar. I’m still looking for signs. Signs of the organisation that is controlling my destiny, the people trained and tasked with watching me. Stop it. This isn’t real. This is just your mind, your mind, your mind, my mind.
Every day is like this, but not all the time. Tonight I’m going out for some drinks, and if I take a few deep breaths and try to relax, it could be fun.
So I go up and sit on my bed, turn on some music and stare out into the world from my window. The sunlight is bright, but the green-and-concrete landscape absorbs much of the energy, leaving me able to watch the clouds, the aeroplanes circling, the blue sky and the birds. It’s all slowing down now, and I can think for a while.